Heading for Scotland at the crack of dawn tomorrow for the latest publicity rounds in the Attention All Shipping saga. Man alive, they work you hard – I’m even stepping off the plane straight into a signing at Aberdeen airport. Being completely disorganised, I am now frantically trying to dry washing all around the flat. You can’t really face people without clean trolleys on. Might have to be slightly damp trolleys now though.
I am, however, being a little distracted by the round-the-clock screening of the Big Brother Hopefuls on E4. It’s extraordinarily good television, far better than the programme itself. It seems that at the auditions each hopeful is given a minute to sell themselves to, and these are the results. It just cuts from one person to the next, a whistle blows and that’s the signal for them to start talking until the whistle goes again for you them to stop. It’s brilliant.
Highlights for me include “Hi, I’m Steamy Mike, and I’m a gay witch”, “Hi, I’m Anna and I’m not going to tell you my age or where I come from cos that’s boring……………ermmmmm……….errmmmm……..I can’t think of anything to say now”, and “you might know me, I’m the famous transvestite from Sheffield who doesn’t wear any pants.”
Actually to save you watching it – because you’ll never switch over ever again if you do – here’s a cut out and keep guide to the typical Big Brother Hopeful minute:
“Am I on yet? have we started? …..[whistle] …”Ooh, hi Big Brother, I’m xxxxxxxxx, and I’m here to tell you exactly why you need me on the new series of Big Brother. Erm…. I’m crazy, vivacious and I’m a little bit mad [self-conscious giggle]. In fact I’m totally mad [another self-concsious giggle, louder than before]…erm….people have to take me for who I am……errrmm…. I don’t care what other people think of me, I’m just me and if they don’t like it they can lump it….errrmm….I’m really bubbly and outgoing…errmmm…yeah, really, really bubbly…..and………errrmmm….ooooohhhh….what else can I tell you….I like a laugh, I really like a laugh, I’m funny, everyone says so, all me mates and everyone……and really…..really……bubbly……[play with hair at this point]……soooo…….errrrmmmm……that’s me really. Is that a minute yet?” [more hair twiddling until…..whistle]
As the antithesis of this excruciatingly wonderful parade of gargantuan-egos-meet-encyclopedia-of-personality-disorders, I should mention that I was invited to attend the RNLI Bravery Awards at the Barbican last week. A startlingly moving experience it must be said. The awards rewarded not just the lifeboat crew members who risk their own lives for others’, but also the tireless fundraisers who work hard to keep the lifeboat service going, from a guy who circumnavigated Britain by kayak to the fragile old ladies who organise coffee mornings and craft fairs.
In other news, for someone who has never been all that fussed about appearing on television I’ve had several fascinating approaches in the last few days. Can’t say too much at the moment, but watch this space. You’ll be the first to know.